“Who do you think you are?” That’s exactly what I found myself asking myself earlier today as I was editing a video. I couldn’t believe it, how dare I publish myself to the world as only I know myself.
I often find myself second guessing who I am. I realize I have also become very comfortable sitting in the background when it comes to sharing the spotlight. Mostly because I felt it was really never my spotlight to begin with. I’m learning. I’m learning to take up space unapologetically. I’m learning to be comfortable voicing an opinion regardless of the possible pushback and accepting the results.
I’m learning all of this again.
You see, a few years ago there was this dramatic event that happened. Dramatic as in it swallowed me whole. No one else was to blame, I was to take full responsibility. So I did.
Almost 10 years later, I’m restarting again. I’ve robbed myself of my twenties. I’ve taken away the metals I had earned. The gold star I was so proud of myself for achieving – after I had to teach a few older men how to dig out a pontoon boat from the banks of a sand bar when a high tide down the Angelina river pushed it too far up (Total side note: remind me to tell you that story later) – as the tiny feminist I knew myself to be, I lost as well. I even stripped myself of the silver metal for participation in education that I had earned. This one I gave to myself after dropping out of high school, but managing to return to school a year later for graduation because I refused to accept my life without basic education.
There was so much more to me. I was Mario from Mario Brothers passing all of the levels to save the princess from Bowzer, except Bowzer was my alter ego and the princess was my life. Somehow, I had found a secret door at the beginning levels in the game that I wasn’t supposed to enter. But I did, only to find myself face-to-face with Bowzer, without the life experiences I needed. There I was. How was I supposed to defeat him and win the game without having passed all the levels before that would have given me experience and knowledge I needed? …And well, here I am.
This is you Anjelica. Get used to it!