Be less of a bitch. Yes, this an actual goal.
Let me explain.
I’ve said this before and I will say it again. For a big part of my life I have taken pride in being a “bitch” – or at least what many would consider a “bitch.” It’s been my way of saying to the world that I can have a socially-conscious opinion, and also voice it if and when I find it necessary. Whether that means doing so for myself and/or for others.
I have to confess, though, that wasn’t really what I was doing in 2018. I feel like I had an opinion about everything and that I let everyone know what that opinion was regardless of the outcome. I regret saying some of the things I said.
I never meant to hurt anyone, in any way.
In 2018, I couldn’t be genuinely happy for you.
I couldn’t stand how life went on after my sister. I was mad. Mad that you had a baby and were happy. Mad that you loved your job. Mad that you wanted to celebrate your love. I was mad at you for these small achievements and goals that were everything to you. I was mad that life went on.
Remember that trip to Miami last year for Hispanicize? For reference here is how it went:
There I was at the top of our digital journey with my husband and I couldn’t stand it.
As I walked the corridors of the hotel, from the exhibit space to the breakout rooms, full of interesting people, all I wanted to do was hide. One night in particular I remember I couldn’t stop the thoughts. I laid there in bed, exhausted, and that’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was gone, permanently…. as in forever.
I gasped for as much air as I could and started to beat the covers, pillows, mattress and everything on that hotel bed. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know how to stop. I realized what happened when I noticed I was crying uncontrollably. I turned over onto my stomach and wept again for the rest of that night.
So, let me say it again. I am sorry. I was mad at something I couldn’t control. Not that that should excuse my behavior. I hope that at least it will explain it.